I arrived at my sister's sometime that morning. Everyone would be arriving throughout the day. Keila arrived and we exchanged polite pleasantries. It felt kind of awkward. All the conversation from the previous night was lost in the awkwardness. Thoughts began to race through my head.
"Are you crazy? There is no way she likes you."
"Maybe she does...maybe..."
"Seriously Ben, get a hold of yourself, she was just being nice."
"I thought the Lord spoke to me in my prayer time..."
"You had too much pizza Ben...you have no chance...she is a princess."
Now, I'm not saying I was hearing voices (my brother did recieve "A Beautiful Mind" that day for Christmas...but anyway), I was just having an internal conversation with myself. I was talking myself into a corner. I needed to make a decision. I needed to tell her my intentions. I couldn't play games with my heart or hers. I needed to speak the truth. I needed to step up and be the man.
"Ugghhh...can you believe the Dolphins blew that lead against the Patriots?" My brother arrived with immediate impact. The discussion revolved around the recent heartbreaking loss to the Pats when the Dolphins blew an 11 point lead and lost the AFC east.
"Yeah...that rots..."
"How about those Dolphins, Ben?" Derek asked me, kind of oddly.
"They rot."
"No...how do you feel about the prospects of the Dolphins, what are there chances?"
Now somewhere over the past several weeks talking with Derek about the Dolphins meant much more than the Dolphins. We secretly were talking about Keila. It was our codeword. We are such morons.
"Oh!" I replied, "The Dolphins are looking good, I think...actually, I don't have any idea."
"Mm-hmm." My brother was feeling for me.
"Maybe we could go upstairs and talk about how McMichael looks for next year?" I asked. McMichael was a rookie for the Dolphins, and I thought this would give us a chance to talk.
"Sure."
Derek and I climbed to the top of the stairs in my sister and her husbands house. Everyone thought we were going to talk about the Dolphins...okay...everyone probably knew we were talking about Keila.
"So?" Derek wanted information.
"What can I say?" I had no idea where to begin.
"Tell me from the beginning."
I began to tell him all my inner dealings. I told him about my wrestling with the will of God for my life. I told him about my feelings. I told him about my prayer trip. One thing we both noted was something that happened the day I was in prayer at my prayer trip, Derek brought it up.
"Andrea told me that Keila fasted on Monday."
"Yeah, she told me that too. Keila doesn't know I know."
"That's pretty cool." Derek mused.
"She never said she was fasting for me...I have no idea what she was fasting for." (Keila told me later that she was in fact fasting for me that day. She woke up in the morning and the Lord told her to pray and fast for me. This was the day God spoke to me about her heart.)
"Do you think she likes you?" Derek asked.
"That's the problem! I have no idea! She won't tell Andrea anything, and trust me, Andrea has tried to pry it out of her."
"Well...there is only one way to find out if she is interested."
I knew what was coming.
"You have to tell her your intentions."
"Yeah...yeah...I know, but what if she isn't interested? That will be awful." I was getting a little emotional.
"Will it be awful? God knows your heart, bro...you have nothing to worry about."
"You know, Derek, Keila is an awesome woman. She is beautiful. Kind. Gentle. Strong. Graceful. She is the entire package. She is a princess. But if God is calling me to her then that makes me...a...uhh..." I began to cry in the rawness of my insecurities. I felt so small.
"You are a prince, Ben. If God is calling you to her, it's because He designed it this way."
We embraced. He prayed a prayer of strength and wisdom for me. It was a real special moment sitting on my nephew's bed.
"So," Derek asked, "when are you going to tell her your intentions?"
"I don't know, I was thinking on Sunday, before she leaves?"
It was Wednesday. The look on Derek's face told me that was an awful idea.
"Bro...this can't wait. And you can't tell her right before she leaves. If she is uncertain, she should have some time around you to weigh out your interest."
"Saturday?"
"Listen, tomorrow is her birthday, why don't you tell her tomorrow?"
"Okay...tomorrow it is...I'll tell her tomorrow."
We went downstairs and soon dove into our celebration. At some point in the afternoon we began to open presents. Gifts were being handed out, and I thought to myself, "nice, mom", when Keila was handed a huge gift basket. My mom really spoiled her. I felt bad for Keila, like I was being forced on her.
After the presents were opened, it was dinner time. Everyone sat around the table. We had a great dinner and dessert. I didn't move far because I was captivated in conversation with Keila. Music was playing softly in the background as everyone milled about us. Keila and I sat and talked at the corner of the table. One by one everyone began to step out of the room. They swore later to us that it was an accident, but it seemed a little orchestrated. They all sat down in the living room and watched the movie, "A Beautiful Mind". I realized we were alone, and I knew this was the moment. It couldn't wait until tomorrow.
"Keila, can I talk to you about something?" I realized this was such a dumb thing to say...we were talking! Keila was gracious.
"Sure." The color began to drain from her face.
"I....uhh...wanted to....uhh....talk to you....about something. Wow! This...is....uhh...uhh....really hard to say." I'm not kidding! My mouth went completely dry. I needed a drink of water bad. Keila was completely white by this point. "Uhhh...I just wanted to say....that I, uhh...am I making any sense?"
Silence.
I continued, "I...I'm interested in building a relationship with you." I said it! It just flew off my tongue. "You are an amazing woman. You are a princess. You are beautiful. I know we don't know each other that well...but...I, didn't know of any other way to bring this up."
I waited.
She was quietly thinking of words to say herself...and these are the words she said, "I don't want this...."
I'm not joking. She said she didn't want this. In the one-millionth of a second I had before she continued, a million thoughts went through my head. They all basically boiled down to me being a moron, she quickly alleviated my negative thoughts.
"I'm not saying I don't want this, I'm interested in building a relationship with you as well," She referred to us, "I just don't want this without my family."
It quickly all made sense too me. She was so far from home, so far from her comfort zone. She felt as if she was intruding on my family just to get to know me, and she had felt bad about that. We really talked there at the corner of the table. We talked about callings. She told me she felt called to be a pastor's wife. She told me how she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to manipulate the circumstance. I shared with her the prayer time. Somewhere in the middle of our conversation the phone rang. It was her brother wishing her a happy birthday.
I walked out to the living room. Derek came over to me.
"You guys having a good talk?" He asked.
"I told her. I told her that I'm interested."
"And?!" Derek was visibly excited.
"She likes me!"
We pumped fists. This was cool. But, what am I supposed to do now? Where does everything go from here?
Keila came back around the corner.
"Sorry about that...that was my brother, Josue."
"Do you still want to talk with me?" I asked.
"Please."
We sat back down in the kitchen and talked for a couple hours. We must have restarted the Ceili Rain CD 10 times in the CD player. We heard the same songs over and over again. Everyone in the living room was getting annoyed, but no one dared to venture into the kitchen.
We finally agreed that Keila was going to talk with her mom tomorrow. She told me that she had e-mailed her mom the day before (the day I came home from my prayer trip). In the e-mail to her mom, she told her about me. She told her mom in the e-mail that I was away praying. (Her mom would tell me much later that she knew when she read that e-mail that I was praying for Keila.) So we would wait for further direction from her parents the next day...Keila's birthday.
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